You can say, “I understand that you are angry about (fill in the blank), but we don’t (insert unacceptable behavior here) when we are angry.” Try to avoid telling your child to “calm down” or to say that they are overreacting - while acting out in anger is not okay, you want your child to know that feeling angry is okay. Instead of turning immediately toward defensiveness, remind yourself of Truth such as “I cannot control my child’s behavior,” or “this discipline is not working, I need to go at this from a different direction.” Remind yourself that your child’s anger is not actually about you. If you need to remove yourself from the situation, that’s okay, and sometimes it’s the very best course of action. As a mom, when your child becomes angry and acts out toward you, the best thing to do is to pause, to step away, and to take a minute to regain your composure. When your child wells up with anger, it’s very normal to become instantly defensive. And you can start to shift your responses, so that you’re not getting so overwhelmed, and you’re not looking so angry all the time.Dealing with anger is a fact of life when you’re a mom, no matter if it’s your anger or theirs that’s causing problems. ![]() From here, you can get help that’s a little more targeted than just general anger management strategies. Just KNOWING that your external response isn’t really just anger can be helpful. Or potentially some overwhelming fears about what could go wrong in the future. Maybe some thoughts about how you need to be perfect. If you’re someone who has anxiety-driven anger, you might notice that you have a lot of internal and external stress happening on your iceberg. Do you like how you respond on the outside? Are you surprised by what’s coming up for you on the inside? Does any of it feel really vulnerable or scary or overwhelming (in which case, it might be a good idea to talk with an anxiety therapist?) Once you’ve completed your anger iceberg, you want to ask yourself a few follow up questions. The Anger Iceberg and Anxiety-Driven Anger We’re all a product of our upbringing and our environment, so keep both of those factors in play. The internal stuff, underneath the surface of the water, could both be what you’re experiencing in the moment (anxiety, sadness, stress), and past, historical things you’ve had to go through (trauma, grief and loss, parents with anger management issues, etc.) What were you doing on the outside that other people could observe? And what was really going on for you on the inside? Maybe think about the last time you had a big reaction to something, even a reaction that got you in to trouble. This is where The Anger Iceberg comes in.Įven if it feels a little scary, I want you to think about what’s really happening underneath the surface. But what if you’re not reallllllyyyyy angry? What if you’re ignoring the bigger picture to your detriment? It may feel more comfortable to tell yourself that you’re just angry, or that so and so deserved your ire. Anger can feel like a really protective mechanism. You, honestly, might not want to think about what’s really going on when you have an angry reaction (or overreaction). We don’t always want to dive down into those cold waters. ![]() ![]() 90% of an iceberg is hidden underneath the water, way down deep in the murky depths. They’re huge! And we only see the top 10%. is only the tip of the iceberg.Īs you may already know, icebergs are massive. What we’re showing people on the outside - the punching, the yelling, the fawning, the ‘disrespectful tone,’ etc. Looking underneath the surface of your anger response: They’re valid! But it’s important to explore why you may not have 100% realized that your angry overreactions are actually due to anxiety. Your internal experience and external reaction are your own. There’s no such thing as a right or wrong reaction to anxiety. I want to emphasize that “typical” is just another word for “expected,” but it’s not a stand in for right, correct, or even preferred. And they DEFINITELY tend to miss that it’s really anxiety when that FIGHT reaction comes out. Outside observers don’t always notice that people pleasers are experiencing anxiety, too (that fawn reaction). If you have a “typical” anxiety response, you’re going to want to run away from the scary event, or freeze and look really shy and quiet. “Typical” Anxiety and Anxiety-Driven Anger:
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